Leaving The Past In The Past

In the spirit of New Years' resolutions and fresh starts, I think it's appropriate to address a particularly bothersome issue that many of us struggle with: leaving our baggage behind. No, not at the airport (which is also a common problem at this time of year) but in our lives. The emotional baggage.

One of the most common catalysts for relationship failure is the lingering insecurities left behind from past affairs. Maybe you've been cheated on, or you have a nasty track record with negligent you-know-whats. No matter how dirty your laundry is, letting it affect your current love life is a big mistake. One you'll regret for a long time.

Harboring bitterness and resentment towards an ex may indicate that your wounds are still open and you may not be completely ready to move forward. Otherwise, it's possible to be over a past relationship but at a standstill in a new one because you're afraid of history repeating itself. Have you been reserved and not fully yourself? Are you suspicious of your partner's every move? Do you refuse to open up? If the answer is 'yes', it's likely time to deal with your emotional baggage. Here are some helpful tips to keep you from living in the past.

Avoid making comparisons
Taking notes on your current boyfriend and chalking them up to your observations on the last one is a big no-no. Everybody is different and your expectations should be hopeful, not anticipating the worst. You want a fair chance in the relationship, and so does he. Therefore, "my ex-boyfriend used to...." type statements are not going to fly. Whatever Bobby used to do or not do no longer matters. You're starting fresh so history is history. 

Avoid the "wounded puppy" response
Once bitten, twice shy. When you've been burned before it's normal to be hesitant about approaching a situation that feels uncomfortably familiar. But don't make assumptions just yet. True, there's a chance that this guy is going to screw you over. You knew the risk before getting involved. However, when it comes to dating, taking a similar route doesn't always mean arriving at the same destination as last time. Problems will arise and they're going to be tough to deal with. Reacting with knee jerk impulse based on your fear of being hurt again will not make them easier. Treat every obstacle with consideration, respect, and maturity.

Trust
Just like the wounded puppy response, a lack of trust is born of past hurt and a negative attitude. Nobody likes a jaded cynic unless they're on a TV sitcom. Continuous skepticism is not charming and gets tired pretty fast; how would you feel if your partner  second guessed all of your intentions? If you can't trust the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them. So forget the betrayals of yesteryear and open yourself up to the possibility that this time around, things are going to change for the better.

Focus on the positive
When you do nothing but concentrate on where you don't want to go, chances are that's exactly where you're headed. Motivate yourself into new ways of thinking. Be hopeful and exude the kind of energy that will draw attraction to you. Ella Fitzgerald had it right, "accentuate the positive"!

Photo source.

Courtney Gilmour
		About the author:
		Courtney is a published writer, stand-up comic, and shameless Internet enthusiast. She holds a double bachelors degree in English Literature and Communication Media Studies, specializing in semiotic theory, however she doesn't get Shakespeare and has never won a game of Scrabble. Currently she lives in Toronto and works as a writer for WOMAN.CA.
	Read More >>