Allow Me to unfurl my thought process...

So, I slept in today - like really slept in - till 11:45 in fact. Now I know that I must have needed it - I've been feeling run down and like I've been getting sick and so I on purposely ignored my alarm but knowing this still doesn't help me with the guilty feelings I get from oversleeping, it just feels like an excuse to me.

I've menioned this before, how I fret over small stuff like that - I feel like anything that could be seen as a waste of time (a.k.a. a waste of my life) I don't handle well. It's like when I hear about those people that go on vacation and then the first thing they do is go to their hotel and take a nap - I just cringe. Like how to do take a fricking nap when you've just landed in Paris - I don't care how jet lagged you are - get out there and sleep later! Anyway, it extends to all "time wasting" activities for me - like being at a restaurant for too long when you want to leave, watching tv, viewing two movies in a row or too many in one week, smoking pot, napping, hanging out in a hotel room for too long, and of course, sleeping in. Note: I do get that I have this frantic need to keep going in larger areas in my life and that I have an insatiable need to shake things up constantly and move from one thing to the next no matter how random or completely life changing it is... but I'm working from the ground up here... so in the world of Dr. Leo Marvin, Baby Steps.

Now, weather or not I'm valid in believing these things as time wasters or not isn't really the issue, the issue is that I feel gross after engaging in one or the other and that's not a good way of living life. I want to enjoy life and be content and happy in whatever I do - so I was giving this some thought.

As I was putting the dishes away I thought about the guilt that I felt while I was living in New York and how I would stay in and do nothing some nights. Every Sunday I would order Dallas BBQ (full rack of ribs, side of fries, corn bread, extra sauce and a root beer) then I'd watch my HBO line up of Life of a Married Man, Curb Your Enthusiasm and the main feature, The Sopranos. I'd love it up at the time, then just feel like ass as I'd drag myself to bed feeling like I wasted a night living in Manhattan when I could have done exactly the same thing living in Winnipeg. This went on for months.

Now looking back, in reality, I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about this. I think if I didn't stay in that one night a week I would have gone mental, literally (or more mental then I already am) because I was on total overdrive there. I really did live it up there. I had a cocktail job at one of the most coveted celeb-clad, oozing with money, night clubs at the time. I once got a $1600 tip after serving some obnoxious 26 year old dot com billionaire - I served up Snoop Dogg's Birthday Cake, had Seth Green puke on my shoes (for real), flirted with Johnny Knoxville and the main man himself, Marky Mark and was a witness to Justin Timberlake and Britney's first public encounter aprés their devastating break up - he sent over a round of shots to her and her crew and I secretly tried to lick his face while clearing his table - sorry Brit, he's was a free agent and I was a slut. Just kidding... sort of.

I worked there three to four nights a week and given that NYC didn't have a last class, I ended up crawling into bed around 6:30 am most mornings. I'd then wake up at 10am and make my way into Brooklyn to my other insane job at Vice Magazine, which was 5 days a week. Being 20 years old (yes, I wasn't legally allowed to be working at a nightclub seeing as I wasn't even legally allowed to be drinking) I soaked up all the bad influence I could. Let's just say that the office "corporate culture" truly is in alignment with Vice's magazine content - the sex, the drugs and the rock and roll. Once a Gatorade bottle full of absinth was passed around on a Wednesday afternoon and it was ignored until someone said it was so strong it felt like doing crack - then everyone had a swig. I'd stay there till 7:00pm then go home, eat a bag of popcorn and make it back to the club for 8:30pm.

My life was insane - so yes, I should have taken my Sunday nights and been content to cuddle up and stay in however, I wasn't. I felt slothy and gross and like I said before, I felt like I was wasting my time there - I could be anywhere and staying in like that. So it wasn't until this moring that I realized that, no, I couldn't have.

I will never be in that exact apartment ever again, sitting for hours on that cozy army green couch. I will never be able to feel that kind of exhaustion and exhilaration after a week of insanity like that from those exact experiences. I will never be able to have that same smug satisfaction of having the delivery man do my 5 floor walk up to serve me what might be the most delicious ribs on the planet. I'll never be that excited about watching The Sopranos as I did then - when the entire city was just as excited as I was (yes,Tony even made the cover of the NY Post for a great season premiere). I will never be 20 years old - wide eyed, young, stupid and (that) naive again.

So when I looked at it that way, I realized that all this time spend on guilt should have been spend on being content and loving it up. So now when I look back at all these other instances that I feel guilt over - I just have to think that yeah, I'll never get to be here in this moment again, so love it up. It's finally hit me that I shouldn't dwell on anything because it's literally gone forever in an instant.

I produced a theater show with my ex bf. The show was great, super funny but totally spiritual and thought -provoking at the same time. He would start off by telling the audience the date and would spit off a funny intro encouraging them to enjoy the show. I always thought it was clever but I never really felt the impact of these words till this very second. Wow. When an 'Ah Hah' moment hits, it hits....