Vamps In Vancouver

Don't know anything about Twilight, the movie franchise about the world's favorite 107-year old bloodsucker and the angsty teen girl who loves him? The horror! The final trailer was viewed over 3.5 millions times in 48 hours when it hit the web, and seventy million dollars worth of people went to see it.

And now the dawning of an Eclipse is upon us. For those of you who don't check the Twilight forums daily, we bring you the biggest news of this, or perhaps any, century: filming of the third installment of the Twilight saga has begun in Vancouver. Aaaiiiiieeee!

The second movie, New Moon, will hit screens on November 22.

You know you're going to see it, don't even pretend like you're not. But before you settle into the darkness of a theatre overrun by 14-year-olds in their "I Love Edward" tees, you must know what they know, so you can avoid laughing in the wrong place and being immediately assaulted by flying Raisinettes.

So here then is a Cliff's notes primer of the Twilight basics:

* First: Twilight and True Blood are NOT the same thing. And there are no wizards or foolish wand waving (nerd alert: Robert Pattinson played Cedric Diggory in two Harry Potter flicks). For all you vampire virgins, just repeat the phrase, "Bite me, Edward" and you'll be fine in almost any Twilight-related situation.

* The plot: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves to Forks, Washington. Bella has a crush on the most beautiful guy at school, Edward Cullen (Pattinson). Edward and his family turn out to be a bunch of gnarly vampires. Bella and Edward must fight through this to be together! Oh, no! Romantic roadblock: Vampires can't go in the sunlight. Not because they'll burn up, but because vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun. That's right. Disco balls and glitter pens have nothing on the vampires of Twilight.

* Oh yeah, vampires also have venom. And magic breath that makes you swoon and faint. We really, truly am not making this stuff up.

* The on-screen chemistry between Pattinson and Stewart is what makes Twilight so popular. Actually, no. That's a lie. Crafty marketing and a fortune spent on Pattinson's hair products is what makes Twilight so popular Pattinson and Stewart have the on-screen chemistry of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or Tom and Nicole Kidman. Tom and well, you get the point. But, hey, that's just on-screen . . .

* . . . Off-screen Pattinson and Stewart are totally doing it. Maybe. Or not. Whichever scenario helps sell more tickets. Twilight is like soft core porn for tween girls whose little hearts go pitter patter imagining that a cute hunk with an accent and awesomely unkempt hair will rescue them from the hell of middle school and awkwardly hormonal teen-age boys, just like Belle. And maybe they'll get that pony they always wanted, too!

* You will feel like the movie is six hours long. To be fair; it's only four and a half.

* Dakota Fanning took a little detour from her "new Jodie Foster" career path to take on a bit-part in the upcoming movie. She's extremely pale and creepy looking, which we assume are the main qualities they look for when casting the movie. But don't worry, Dakota is still young she's still got plenty of time to inspire rabid fans to blow up airports on her behalf and become a lesbian and whatnot.

* If we were Robert Pattinson we'd be pulling out our perfectly tousled hair. Why? Because Twilight producers have unveiled a beefed up Taylor Lautner and the New Moon Wolf Pack a gang of shirtless studs who look like they could beat the living crap out of you. If the Twilight series is getting increasingly shirtless, it's only a matter of time before Pattinson has to show everyone his ghostly-white, entirely concave chest and whimpy bare arms that look like they've been made out of chopsticks. And that coupled with the fact that his toxic underarm man-stink would kill everyone in a 50 mile radius would be the end of his stint as a teenage heart-throb.

* A word of warning: No, that is not a siren going off every ten minutes. That's just the audience squealing.

* Nothing can stop this series. If you think you can resist the tide of crazy around this movie, you have another thing coming. This is the "one ring to rule them all" of young adult relationship-vampire romance movies. All you can do is bear witness, so you can tell the next generation: I heard the Squee Went Round the World.

You have been warned. Proceed to the nearest AMC megaplex at your own risk.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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