Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!

Levi Johnston's Playgirl pics are out and frankly, it's a lot like getting that rock 'em sock 'em robot you've always wanted but then finding out your parents forgot the AA batteries.

After all the hype that Sarah Palin's-daughter-impregnating-redneck from Alaska would give the public a peek at the babymaker that helped scuttled a vice-presidental campaign, there is no wang.

We repeat, there is no wang!

This is very sad news indeed. Playgirl had one job to do: get a photo of that famous hockey stick and it failed to do so.

Calling Dirk Diggler!

Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio released a statement blaming Levi's manager Tank Jones. "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Great, Tank Jones is the world's C**k Block.

So what does Playgirl give us to make up for leaving us as sexually unfulfilled as Katie Holmes on a Scientology-santioned date night with Tom Cruise?

Levi laying on a bearskin rug, sipping champagne by the fire cradling a strategically placed musket? Levi riding sidesaddle on a horse in nothing but a cowboy hat and spurs or popping out of a cream cake while singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President," perhaps?

Nope.

There is nothing sexy about the sterile pictures of him in the shower at all. Adam Lambert's face humping at the AMA's was more titillating. They look like dumb-ass Polaroids Mrs. Garrett on Facts of Life would find under Natalie's bed. And what's with the "Mommy drank through the pregnancy" face? Derek Zoolander would not approve. But it's in black and white so that means this is high-art.

This is it. Really. This is the last time we ever believe Tank Jones. It's almost as if he makes up stories to get attention and a fat paycheck.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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