Food? Water? Naw, What They REALLY Need Are E-Meters!

People have responded to the crisis in Haiti in many ways.

Some have donated food and clothes.

Others have volunteered their time or opened their wallets.

Well, John Travolta has outdone all of you.

The actor slipped on his waterfront lacefront wig and personally flew a plane to Haiti to drop off relief supplies.

But wait, there's more!

In addition to relief supplies, Travolta brought along his wife Kelly Preston, several doctors and Church of Scientology ministers.

Now, why didn't the Red Cross think of that? Cretins.

Really? Scientology ministers? Haven't these people suffered enough?

Besides, it's a well-documented fact that Haitians don't have the one thing the Church of Scientology is after: people with doodles of money who are stupid enough to give it away to a ridiculous, made-up "religion."

So what precisely does the Scientology ministers' "help" consist of? "Locational Assists:" After traumas, people sometimes forget where they are. To remind earthquake victims that they are still stuck in Haiti, volunteer ministers will be performing this vital medical procedure, quoted here verbatim from the Scientology Handbook:

5. Continue giving the command, directing the person's attention to different objects in the environment. Be sure to acknowledge the person each time after he has complied.

For instance, you say, "Look at that tree." "Thank you." "Look at that building." "Good." "Look at that street." "All right." "Look at that lawn." "Very good." You point each time to the object.

6. Keep this up until the person has good indicators and a cognition. You can end the assist at this point. Tell the person, "End of assist."

We imagine the Haitians' locational assists will go something like this: "Look at that shanty." "Thank you." "Look at the mosquito larvae in the stagnant water." "All right." "Look at that starving baby." "Very good."

"End of assist."

And being an empathetic guy that he is, Travolta is also sending a case of much-needed toupee tape so the bald don't have to suffer further indignities.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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