Someone Managed To Out-Douche Jon Grosselin And Michael BloHan - Heeeeere's Johnny!

Science would have you believe that there is nothing worse in the entire universe than listening to a John Mayer album. And, until recently, that theory held. After all, between the floppy hair, the stupid sensitive eyes, the namby-pamby voice and the songs that all sound like they should be played on a loop in hell's least favorite branch of Starbucks, listening to a John Mayer album is pretty much the most comprehensively rubbish thing you could ever wish to do.

However, that was until we discovered that listening to a John Mayer album had been superseded in the awfulness stakes by listening to John Mayer blather on and on and annoyingly on about ... himself.

Because Mayer measures his ego in column inches, he borrowed Megan Fox's habit of speaking like a lobotomy patient in an interview with Playboy in which he tries-too-hard-to-shock-the-huddled-masses and explains why he's great in many many other ways, including why black people love him so very, very much. Brace yourselves:

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and "Daughters." If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y.
And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you're very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, "What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?" And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n-gger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, "I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My d**k is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f**kin' David Duke c**k. I'm going to start dating separately from my d**k.

Boy, we can't tell you how ANNOYING it is when we hear some kid blasting "Your Body Is A Wonderland" from their stereo every time we step foot into the inner city. God, ENOUGH already!

Now the white community knows how the black community feels every time Kanye West opens his mouth. But somehow we feel the white community really got the short end of the STFU stick. Read the entire interview here.

But seriously. Speaking on behalf of black people everywhere (we really all do know each other), John Mayer does NOT have a hood pass. He has a pass to hang out with other rich people, who occasionally are black. See the difference?

We're still not sure how Justin Timberlake got a pass, though. We must have gotten the secret handshake wrong and missed the nominating committee meeting. Oh, that's right. It was snap, snap, booty shake, high-five NOT snap, booty shake, snap, high-five. Damn trick choreography.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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