Tara Reid Is Engaged. Surprisingly, He's Not Blind Or In The Country Illegally Or Anything!

* Apparently Tiger Wood's painfully scripted apology in front of a room full of hand-picked reporters was enough for Nike to welcome back it's non-rehabiliated, sex addicted pitch man, "Tiger has apologized and made his position clear. Nike fully supports him and his family. We look forward to him returning to golf." In related news, Nike revealed it's new slogan: Just Do It (But For God's Sake, Don't Get Caught, Dumbass).

* Lisa Rinna owns a mirror, right? Maybe she should look into it before criticizing someone else for getting plastic surgery. The pouty-mouthed mother of two, who has admitted she's had Juvederm and Botox and inflated her lips with silicone, said she was so disturbed by Heidi Montag's surgically altered appearance on the cover of People, "I had to take that cover off the magazine before it came in the house." Obviously Lisa hasn't read the "good book*." If she had, she'd know that one of Jesus' most famous quotes was: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" "If your face is grotesquely disfigured from too many cosmetic procedures, keep your oversized fish-lips shut about other people's appearance. Bitch." *Corinthians 5:6.

* Last year, a woman named Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit in court claiming that Solange and Beyonce's father/manager made a baby with her. The baby boy was born on February 1st, and yesterday a judge ordered that Matthew Knowles must pay Alexsandra $8,200 a month for child support. DAMN STUPID BABIES! Poor Solange will have to eat her nightly meal of a ham and mayo sandwich without the ham thanks to a greedy baby who may or may not be her half-brother because Beyonce will straight up cut a bitch if you even THINK about cutting her lacefront budget.

* She must have been saving her allowance. Britney Spears just spent $700,000 renovating her Calabasas, Calif., home with $150,000 going for furniture, $200,000 for artwork, $100,000 for a bathroom, $150,000 for electronics and close to $100,000 for Venetian plaster walls. "Britney remodeled her entire home," says a source of the singer, who's reportedly on a $1,500-per-week allotment from dad/conservator Jamie Spears. We know that $100k figure may seem steep, but you try installing a White Castle franchise in someone's bathroom for less. Seems like Britney got a pretty damn good deal if you ask us. Bonus: she gets 25% off all combo meals on Thursdays. Sweet!

* What the hell kind of prize is this?! Lindsay Lohan will auction herself off as part of a star-studded fundraiser in London to benefit aid efforts in Haiti. The highest bidder will get a night out in Hollywood with La Lohan, complete with first class flights to Los Angeles and a week-long stay at a posh LA hotel. There's no way anyone is going to raise tens of thousands of dollars for a date with Lindsay Lohan. Most people know that if they really want to go out with a sloppy drunk that constantly embarrasses themselves in public, they don't need to win a date with someone like Lindsay . . . they can just wait until the bar calls closing time.

* Katie Holmes is reportedly desperate to get an inking to prove her devotion to Tom, but he is unsure. Katie came up with the idea after seeing the etching pal Victoria Beckham had to mark her 10-year wedding anniversary earlier this year. Victoria had the Hebrew words for `Together, Forever, Eternally' inked on her wrist in honor of her soccer star husband David. It's obvious why Tom doesn't want Katie to get a tattoo. If Katie really wants to be like the Beckhams and make Tom happy, she should just do what he really wants her to do: dress up like David and call him "Princess."

* There is hope for the rest of us. Tara Reid is engaged. Yes, somebody wants to willingly marry a sac of silicone. She didn't have to point a gun to his head or anything! Michael Axtmann, an internet entrepreneur, and Tara were having dinner at The Little Door in LA when he asked her to marry him. Of course she took the offer. Especially when she found out there'd be an open bar at the reception.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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