File This Under: Totally Saw This Coming

Gloria Allred, come on down! Your next whore client has hosed off the glitter and that last round of body shots and is ready to cry on cue. Honest to God, she had NO IDEA Jesse James was married because she's never heard of this new fangled thing called the Internet.

A tattooed stripper (of course) named Melissa Smith has come forward to claim her cashiers check in exchange for details of her alleged affair with the biggest mistake in Sandra Bullock's life. Yes, Two If Sea has been bumped to number two on the "Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time" list.

Melissa says James contacted her through MySpace in 2006 (he was already married to Sandra for a year at this point) after he saw a picture of her at a West Coast Choppers party. West Coast Choppers party? We're pretty sure that's just another name for Hooters.

Melissa went on to say, "I got a message from this guy saying,'Nice car...that's my godfather's.' After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla." She and James did the dirty Diana for two years ... without protection.

We're starting to see that James has a "type." And that type is "skank."

A source says, "When Sandra is away, he gets bored." In fact, James' infidelity has been an open secret among employees at his West Coast Choppers bike shop in Long Beach, Calif. "Everybody knew. James would regularly post Internet ads looking for "hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs." Adds another, "He sees their photos, answers the ads and invites the girls to his office." Since hand sanitizer can only do so much, the CDC, the Department of Health and Hazmat have declared James' office as a danger to the public's health.

Elin Nordegren has FedEX a sympathy package to Sandra with a muffin basket, some chocolates and a few other odds and ends. Hint: Bend your knees when you swing. Ah, shoot, we weren't supposed to tell. Well, just acted surprised Sandra and remember to send a nice thank-you note.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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