Her Frozen Embryos Will Go On And On

After hearing Celine Dion's screechingly overbearing power ballad "My Heart Will Go On" for the one millionth time and listening to completely tone-deaf karaoke fans warble the last note (on and on, STFU already!), it became as annoying as the soul-crushingly mediocre local newspaper headlines Jay Leno insists on reading out loud.

But as annoying as that was, it will be NOTHING compared to the next six months of People covers and chats on The View about hormone injections, ob-gyns and uncomfortable thoughts of an old man trying give a sperm sample without having a heart attack in the process.

Yep, that's right, Celine Dion and her 305-year old dusty husband Rene Angelil (roll that "R" like you want another tequila shot, bitches!) are expecting their second and third children, according to her rep. Celine got a dose of double babies 14 weeks ago after her sixth in-vitro fertilization attempt.

Nothing like being able to use your senior citizen discount to buy the kids' Pampers.

"We're ecstatic. Celine is just hoping for a healthy pregnancy. She was hoping for one baby and the news that we are having two is a double blessing!," Rene told People magazine. What he really meant was: "Goddammit, the only nappies she should be changing are mine. Wah! Nurse, another wet nap."

Celine announced she was pregnant 10 months ago, but it turned out to be a false positive. Celine recently told Oprah that she's been trying to get knocked up to give her 9-year-old son René-Charles a brother or a sister.

She and her husband were so desperate for babies that they actually turned to acupuncture to boost fertility. And it worked! Who knew that acupuncture could get you pregnant.Or, wait. Maybe she just slept with the acupuncturist?

Anyway, congratulations to Celine and Rene! Thanks to the miracle of medical science, they've gotten what they always wanted: heirs to still release "new" music long after she's dead.

By Paige Muller