To-The-Minute Musings from WOMAN.ca

Alright folks, it's time for some reflection. The Oscars came and went. And like every Academy Awards night of years past, there is oh-so-much to chat about the next day. Who wore what? Who was snubbed? Who stood out, and who flopped, at any time between the opening monologue to the final moments.

In the interest of journalistic transparency, I laid down my preferences for how I felt the night should have gone long before the red carpet was rolled out. In my perfect world, Anne Hathaway and James Franco would not have been hosting. I think Franco is a fine comedic actor but overall too bland to carry off a four hour show. Hathaway is pretty. Very pretty. But she just kind of stands around and wears lipstick. (Granted, I used to think that about Ricky Gervais but boy, did he show us.)

As for the films nominated my favourites were The King’s Speech, Black Swan, Another Year, Blue Valentine and True Grit. I’m also one of those obnoxious types that gets in a bunch of Oscar pools and usually comes out top and after an evening of drinking cheap champagne I wind up throwing gang-signs in a lot of peoples faces.

Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I'd say that the night went pretty well to plan. A bunch of let downs, a few too many wardrobe changes, and enough juice to power the H-wood gossip mill for at least a few weeks to come.

If you missed last night's broadcast (or even if you didn't) here is how WOMAN.ca saw the stars, celebrities celebrating celebrities, as they shone their brightest for Mr. Oscar.

8:30pm Wow, it’s a surprisingly good opening montage. Could this be the year the Oscar pulls it off?

8:32pm Oh, hey... it’s an Inception parody... That’s ... topical.

8:36pm Alec Baldwin makes everything better.

8:40pm Franco and Hathaway stand there. Laughing and doing the aw, shucks thing.

8:43pm Oh great, their moms are here. I’m glad they have non-actors in comedic bits

8:45pm Where the hell is Ricky Gervais?

8:46pm What classic movie are they going to remember for no reason? Really? Is this a thing? Show a couple stills from a classic movie and that’s a theme? Oh great, Titanic. Yes, let’s remember that.

8:51pm What the gods giveth, they also take away. I called True Grit for Cinematography.  Inception got it. Chris Nolan looks smug.

8:56pm It’s not nice to parade the elderly around for other’s amusement. This Kirk Douglas thing is sad. Everyone’s laughing too hard. Though I do hope people give me a standing O when I walk onto a stage when I’m older.

8:59pm Melissa Leo puts me back on top. “I’m speechless” if only that were true. At least she got in a swear word.

9:06pm Milla Kunis looks all kinds of pretty.

9:09pm Some adorable Australians win! And they wrap up quickly without too much fuss. They are officially my faves so far.

9:13pm Best Adapted Screenplay is Social Network. I hope Sorkin’s high on ‘shrooms right now. If Scott Rudin is the "best living producer" I wonder who the best zombie producer is. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night

9:18pm King’s Speech wins Best Original Screenplay. Writers are kind of the best for eloquent hilarious speeches. Both writers have to be played offstage. No one puts baby in a corner, indeed.

9:23pm Anne Hathaway is threatening to sing. The audience cringes with memories of Paltrow.

9:24pm She’s singing. It ain’t funny.

9:25pm This is going on for a long time.

9:26pm It still isn’t funny.

9:27pm James Franco in drag. Still. Not funny.

9:28pm Hey, Canada’s nominated... And we lost. To Denmark.

9:32pm Bale wins Best Supporting Actor and tears up when he talks about his wife and daughter. Maybe it’s the cheap champagne but I felt almost ... moved? No. It's the champagne.

9:38pm The president of The Academy talks about how awesome ABC is.

9:39pm Anne Hathaway appears to be wearing a very large lamp.

9:40pm Every frickin’ year they try to make the sound awards interesting and it’s always boring. Trent Reznor is even nominated.

9:43pm Trent Reznor won! The guy who wrote “F*** You Like An Animal” has an Oscar.  AND, he thanked his wife! I feel like the ‘90s were a lie.

9:46pm Every presenter looks stoned out of their minds.

9:47pm Why are the people who won best sound mixing waving at people in the balcony? Is that where their +1s got seated?

9:54pm Hey look everyone, it’s Marisa Tomei... wearing a prom dress... from 1996.

9:55pm Cate Blanchett graces us with her boss Givenchy ensemble. And she’s hilarious AND Rick Baker wins! For The Wolfman...

10:05pm It still blows my mind that Mandy Moore is married to Ryan Adams. There is no justice.

10:12pm It looks like a sequin vomited on Amy Adams. Also, she’s putting on a weird automaton voice. I think this is the first sign of Sky Net’s impending domination.

10:16pm God of Love winner gives most adorable speech ever.

10:18pm I dislike musicals more than anything. Why are they trying to turn all these stupid movies into musicals. Twilight was bad enough.

10:19pm Hathaway is thrilled to be “breathing the same air as” Oprah. I’d be thrilled if Hathaway wasn’t such a cliche.

10:22pm These documentary winners are kind of downers. Why isn’t the broad wearing sparkles?

10:27pm Why is everyone so excited about Billy Crystal? I mean, I like Billy Crystal I don’t love Billy Crystal. City Slickers wasn't that good.

10:28pm WHY IS THIS A PSEUDO-ROAST OF HUGH JACKMAN??? HE’S NOT THAT INTERESTING!

10:30pm I’m sleepy. Why do I have to imagine what it was like when Bob Hope hosted? Why is he a hologram?

10:31pm I don’t think Jude Law’s hot anymore. Is that bad?

10:35pm And with The Social Network winning Best Editing... I’ve won my main Oscar pool!

10:41pm Oh my crapping crap. Gwyneth Paltrow is going to sing! Suddenly, I miss Anne Hathaway.

10:44pm Oh man, this is amazingly awful. The mistress of GOOP is singing about pink flamingos.

10:52pm You don’t go from a commercial directly to Celine Dion!

11:01pm Anne Hathaway! Why must you consistently upset me with your fashion choices? Do 15 bad outfits equal one good outfit in award-show-land, or something?

11:03pm Tom Hooper won for Direction of King’s Speech. I adore this movie. Hooper deserves this and looks damn happy to be there. Go Britannia! Also, best mention of a mother throughout the evening. (Especially since designers seem to be getting all of the thank-you shout outs so far...)

11:15pm Best Actress. Bring it Portman!

11:17pm N-Port brings it! Do the laugh! DO THE LAUGH!!!

11:18pm This is so boring I hope she gives birth on stage.

11:19pm Dear Hathaway, PULL IT TOGETHER!

11:20pm Sandra Bullock rules.

11:24pm They’re talking about every actor. Screw them. Firth for the win. He’s a class act and amazing in the role.

11:25pm Firth for the wins! There’s is much rejoicing in the 40+ female demographic.

11:31pm Someone really needs to tranquilize Hathaway. If she mugs one more time, I’m getting on a plane to L.A. to lay the smack down.

11:32pm Best Picture, I call King’s Speech again.

11:35pm King’s Speech. Suck it, New World!


Well, some children are singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. It’s pretty lame but I must say I was happy with most of the wins. I was right about Franco, who was almost a non-entity, and Hathaway, who made me want to punch things, they were lame.

The producers played it safe after the Golden Globes backlash and by trying not to offend anyone failed to engage anyone.

But I won my pool.

Dreams really do come true.

Image from MorgueFile

Alex West
		About the author:
		After a five year stint in Montreal Alex moved back to her native Toronto to do her Masters and began writing for different publications. When in doubt she always asks, what would Nick Cave do? Luckily the answer almost always involves velvet, wine and writing. In her spare time she enjoys watching civil war reenactments, sharing her James Bond level charm and talking about that girl who did that thing that one time. Read more of her work at: www.scare-tactic.blogspot.com
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