Cruel Or Kind?

In the spirit of the holiday season, we often find ourselves caving to the heartfelt sentiment of Hallmark. We're extending our hands out to strangers, rising above and beyond our basic courteous nature to give more than we normally would.

A random act of kindness -- paying it forward -- has become a social movement.

Actor and comedian Rainn Wilson is the author of a New York Times best selling book entitled Soul Pancake. It's a compilation of unconventional methods for reaching out to strangers. Some unique and quirky ideas include leaving inspirational notes in copies of the book at its retail locations, and "reverse pick pocket", which involves spontaneously placing money or a treat inside someone's pocket.

That side of kindness is one that requires active pursuit of gracious gestures, and it's a noble way to live. But one question about the issue has plagued me for years; is there a difference between being considerate 24/7 and being a door mat? Choosing a lifestyle of positivity and service to others makes it hard to believe that you could be anything more than a sweet natured introvert who doesn't mind being trampled on. How do you reconcile sacrificial kindness with self-advocacy?

Certain situations call for bold, assertive responses in order to get a desired outcome. Conflicts that arise between people can't always be handled by passive, non-confrontational means for the sake of being kind. Especially when your actions are not returned or, worse, are returned with indecency. Surely there is a way to express yourself in an agreeable fashion, live your life with radical altruism, and still hold your own - but what is it? A friend of mine gave me some advice recently that contained a solution to this dilemma wise enough to curb my existential crisis. "The way we treat others should take nothing away from our self-respect". Or in other words, to treat ourselves kindly is to treat others kindly.

It sounds cheesy, I know, and maybe a little cliche - but it's true. Making yourself available to be walked on is a disservice to both you and the person who is taking advantage of you. When you refuse to advocate for yourself, you're telling that person that you're okay with being disrespected. You may spare yourself a few harsh words in honor of keeping the peace and avoiding the feeling of guilt, but ultimately the refusal to put a stop to a conflict is a green light for it to worsen.

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The key is to balance your emotions and temperament according to the circumstances. Pulling someone aside to tell them that they're out of line can be done in a tactful, respectful way and will show them that you are capable of being firm, yet caring. You teach people how to treat you. 

Essentially, what it comes down to is tough love. Cruel to be kind, as they say. You don't have to be a door mat to be a good citizen. Realize the significance of your self-worth and use it to determine what you give and what you get.

Courtney Gilmour
		About the author:
		Courtney is a published writer, stand-up comic, and shameless Internet enthusiast. She holds a double bachelors degree in English Literature and Communication Media Studies, specializing in semiotic theory, however she doesn't get Shakespeare and has never won a game of Scrabble. Currently she lives in Toronto and works as a writer for WOMAN.CA.
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