How differences and disagreements will save your relationship

The questions I'm most frequently asked are either, How do I improve my relationship, or, What is the key to a good relationship?

The answer is almost always: Intimacy

Intimacy, however, is a very misunderstood concept. With the typical response being, Well, we are already very intimate because we have sex frequently. Physical contact and sex are about closeness, not necessarily intimacy. Sex and proximity do not speak to intimacy just as standing next to someone in an elevator or a one-night stand often does not truly imply relational depth or awareness. Sex can actually be one of the biggest roadblocks to getting close to another individual. It can be used as a way to pay your intimacy dues, in order to get on with the rest of your disconnected day.

Intimacy should be 'me being me' and me letting 'you be you'. Sounds like a quote from a childrens' book, but it is what separates real adult relating from childlike relating. The important part of intimacy is YOU. Yes, YOU are responsible, because your partner is responding to the 'you' that you present. You don't get off the hook by discussing your partners behavior until you have improved your own. Until you can look me, or anyone, in the eye and say with all certainty that you have truly act with complete integrity at all times, or as the best 'you' possible, then you cannot begin to look at your partner's behavior.

Intimacy building frequently involves conflict. This is because interacting with another autonomous individual with can create a disruption. It is this disruption and frustration that lets one know they are building intimacy and truly getting to know the other in the relationship. Couples that tell me with a smile that they never have conflict make me worry. I wonder which partner, if not both, is pathologically accommodating the other while ignoring themselves and their needs. This conflict is not a dramatic fight, which is childlike relating, but instead adult disagreement where two complete people come forward with disparate interests and wants. This forces both parties to recognize that a relationship is two people, with two perspectives, and two differing wants. The work is about how they negotiate these differences not how they eliminate them. Elimination of differences in an attempt to merge into one unit is called a parasite, not a couple.

Healthy sustainable relationships are built upon the integrity-based presentation of differences and then accepting these differences without trying to change your partner. This presentation and acceptance is what adult couples use to get close to each other and learn about each other, also known as intimacy. They do not rely solely upon sex for this connection. The goal of a relationship is not finding similarity and resolving all frustration, but instead using this to grow and relate. The sex should be an additional way to enjoy pleasure with each other and to further bond, but should not be burdened with being the one time a day or week that a couple truly comes together in an honest and close relational way.

By Chris Donaghue

Chris Donaghue, The Sexual Report
		About the author:
		Christopher Donaghue received his Master’s Degree in Clinical Social Work from Temple University in Philadelphia and is completing a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology. Christopher has extensive clinical experience working with adults in individual and group psychotherapy in both inpatient and outpatient settings and is the former Program Director at La Ventana Rehab’s Sexual Addiction Program. His clinical specializations include relational and intimacy disorders, as well as couples and sex therapy. He is a therapist at the Center for Healthy Sex in Beverly Hills.
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