Condoms as an attachment barrier

My Friend Says

My friend says that she is feeling badly about having unprotected sex recently. She got caught up in the heat of the moment and says that since a condom was not used the first time there's no way to go back.

I Say

We have choices. Perhaps you did not make the right choice the first time, but you have the choice to protect yourself in the future. Consider you might very well have avoided a STD or pregnancy, but that does not mean there is not a risk the second time around. There is no need for a discussion or an explanation when the time comes; it is simply what makes you feel more comfortable. If you want to have protected sex do not rely on him to have condoms, arrive prepared with your own and rest assured that you will not leave with any unwanted gifts such as unplanned pregnancies, accidental STDs, or the slew of infections, like urinary or yeast, that can compromise your body.  (For a reminder of what is commonly spread, click here.)

When you are not in a committed relationship then you also have to consider the possibility that you and your partner may be open to other sexual partners. Do you trust your partner's judgment? Perhaps so; however, the only person responsible for your health is you. Is it worth risking?

I will be first to admit that I hate condoms - from the break in the moment to the feeling, or lack thereof, to the aftermath. I use them, but I prefer not to. I've learned that I'd rather not have casual sex than use a condom and experience decreased pleasure.  Though I've also noticed that the instances when I do, I feel like there is an added benefit: the attachment barrier. Besides protection, that simple tool separating the skins and fluids from meshing also acts as a powerful emotional barrier. It provides a sense of freedom. Whereas without that layer the physical connection is much closer, more intense and the sensations generated further hasten the emotional responses, which in turn heighten the sense of attachment. If I don't want to evoke the potential of serious involvement then I make sure it's wrapped up. This distinction is what can help men and women alike keep in that particular mindset- keeping personal space entrusted as priority, self-gratification is put in another perspective and one can still feel complete as he or she comes undone.

Again, it's a choice you make firmly for yourself and by planning ahead you will more likely enjoy the moment, no regrets. 

Having sex without a condom means I run the risks of contracting lasting links to my partner I'd rather not posses. Considering the fact that having happy, healthy babies is my number one aspiration, keeping my birth canal pristine is of top priority. Of course we make mistakes- make them once and then try to learn from them.

By Katia Tallarico

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Katia Tallarico, Relationships 2.0
		About the author:
		Katia Aurora Tallarico, born and raised in Toronto, currently lives in Manhattan. As an undergraduate at McGill University, she lived in Montreal where she studied Psychology and later pursued a graduate degree in Counseling Psychology at Columbia University in New York City. Katia integrates both Western and Eastern approaches to her mental health practice and credits her own well-being to a dedicated meditation and yoga practice. She has worked servicing chronically mentally ill adults in lower Manhattan and currently works as a Mental Health Counselor with foster children in the South Bronx. In addition, Katia is an active supporter and Young Benefactor Committee member of Free Arts NYC (www.freeartsnyc.org).
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