The Five Movies You Don't Need To See

The Tourist - When you star in a film that causes the Hollywood Foreign Press Association  to burst into fits of laughter as your Golden Globe nomination is announced, it's time to admit defeat. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are said to have zero chemistry in this movie and the movie itself is said to make zero sense. We did the math and it's a giant 0 out of 10 for The Tourist. Earlier in the year Jolie appeared in Salt, which also turned out as a box office flop. It might be time for another baby, Angie. 

Sex & The City 2  - 'Sex & The Middle East' would have been a more accurate title, but accuracy is the least of this film's misdemeanors. The biggest problem is the fact that it exists at all. Four women living fabulous, fashion savvy lives in the big city is a storyline that has been exhausted in both the HBO series and the first movie. The cast is now well into their forties and fifties, past the novelty of the 30-something career woman glamour we fawned over ten years ago. The first silver screen Sex & The City plot at least peaked curiosity because of Carrie and Big's ongoing 'will they/won't they?' situation with marriage. It made sense. Menopausal women from New York riding camels through the desert in Manolo Blahniks, however, does not.    

Valentine's Day -  It turns out that an all-star ensemble cast does not necessarily make an all star film. You'd think that so many high profile celebrities together in one room would do one of the following: a.) Cure cancer. b.) Bring the troops home. c.)  Create colours we've never seen before. d.) Make a decent movie. It does none of the above. The only way to make romance comedy cliches even more tired and predictable is to accompany them with numerous unnecessary character plots. Can someone please tell Valentine's Day that it's not Love Actually?         

The Back Up Plan - Jennifer Lopez can't seem to convince us that she's anyone but Jennifer Lopez in any movie, ever. And oh, how she tries. The romance comedy formula in The Back-up Plan is given a bit of a different twist, which is refreshing. Zoe is a single woman who gives up on love and decides to take an impulsive plunge into motherhood by way of artificial insemination, later discovering that she is pregnant with twins. Along the way she falls in love, which throws a wrench into her plans. And that's where the originality ends, of course. The Teen Choice Awards acknowledged the film with two nominations, no wins. The Academy doesn't acknowledge it at all, surprising no one.   

Eat, Pray, Love - Boring, cheesy, nowhere close to being as intellectually ground breaking as critics anticipated. Another hyped up Julia Roberts film you hear about months before it opens and then when it does, you're left feeling disappointed and puzzled over why it was such a big deal in the first place.  As one who firmly believes that books and movies are distinctly separate forms of art that should not be pitted against one another in comparison, I will refrain from using "the book is better" as an argument. Because, for one thing, the book is not better. A round of Yahtzee might be, though.