It's Going to Be a Long Night, Drink Up Folks!

TV Guide has released their Official 2009 Oscars Drinking Game. Woman.ca has added a few categories for our own amusement.

Remember, you don't need to use this drinking alcohol; it's all just for fun. Besides, you have to keep your wits to truly appreciate the glorious and ridiculous excess of the Oscars. How else are you going to know what to talk about at the office on Monday before the morning staff meeting?

The rules are pretty simple.

Take a drink:

1. When Ryan Seacrest makes "creepy old guy at the club" banter with Miley Cyrus and other young starlets. (Penalty: None. Sheesh, the evening's barely gotten started, you lush. Pace yourself.)

2. If any of the red carpet arrivals snub the red carpet reporters (especially if it's Brangelina or Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer). (Penalty: Free-style. We'll be checking the live blogs and Tweeter feeds for reactions to this awesome diss.)

3. If host Hugh Jackman makes a joke that references the abysmal box office of Australia (Penalty: Shotgun a Foster's oil can.)

4. For any Christian Bale gags. (Penalty: Put down the drink and do your best bale-out impression, complete with multiple accents.)

5. When a winner displays false modesty (Wow!, I didn't think I'd win, I'm so surprised, I didn't prepare a speech, etc.). Double penalty if it's Kate Winslet. (Penalty: He drinks a whiskey drink/he drinks a vodka drink/he drinks a lager drink/he drinks a cider drink)

6. When a winner thanks God. (Penalty: A wee sip or two of red wine in thanks to the original Ole' G for turning water into wine. Yes, we know we're going straight to hell.)

7. When a presenter mispronounces the name of a nominee. (Penalty: A sippie cup full of Chateau Monet framboise liqueur pronounced sha-toe moe-nay fram-bwahz li-kerr)

8. If the camera cuts to Jack Nicholson. (Penalty: Crush a Viagra into a shot of the blood of a younger man.)

9. If Sean Penn thanks a gay person he once met in his acceptance speech. (Penalty: Appletini!)

10. If at any point you attempt to replicate the Single Ladies choreography in your living room during Beyonce's rumored performance. (Penalty: Two Woo-Woo shots. Once you've finished the shots, please resume your dancing.)

11. Anyone's joke falls completely flat. (Penalty: None. Use this time for a bathroom break before a line forms.)

12. When a winner becomes disoriented upon leaving the stage and needs to be directed by the model on hand for that very purpose. (Penalty: Blindfold yourself. Spin in a circle really fast for 60 seconds. Then, four shots of Jagermeister in a row. Now that's disorientation!)

13. If Mickey Rourke or anyone else mentions Loki, his recently deceased pet Chihuahua. (Penalty: Hair of the dog. See what I did there?)

14. When a winner takes the time to thank his/her agent, manager, lawyer and pedicurist, but forgets his/her significant other. (Penalty: Scotch on the rocks, enjoyed alone on the sofa.)

BONUS: If one of your friends breaks into the South Park "Montage" song for any clip montage that goes on too long or performance of a nominated song that is accompanied by absurd choreography. (Penalty: Your friends rock! Impromptu group karaoke and extra chips and cheesy dip all around.)

15. If Penélope Cruz thanks you for your years of generous support. (Penalty: None. You're clearly already drunk.)

16. If there is any sort of musical/dance number that references the laugh-a-minute Holocaust drama The Reader. (Penalty: A flaming shot of anything, because you'll be going to hell just for watching this blight on our culture.)

17. If anyone complains that nobody has even seen any of the nominated movies, or asks with exasperation who any of the following people are: Viola Davis, Frank Langella, Melissa Leo, Michael Shannon, Taraji P. Hanson or Richard Jenkins (Penalty: A tall glass of STFU).

18. Every time ABC promotes its Special! Shocking! Two-hour! Movie event! On Brothers & Sisters next week! (Penalty: A bottle of Pinot)

19. If any portion of an acceptance speech is delivered in a foreign language. (Penalty: Por favor, una cerveza.)

20. If the broadcast includes any kind of Slumdog Millionaire-inspired, hackneyed, imperialist appropriation of Indian cultural signifiers elephants, Hindu gods, Bollywood dancing. (Penalty: A gin-and-tonic for each year of India's independence)

21. Every time the camera cuts from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in succession. (Penalty: Chug the entire contents of whatever glass is closest until the anxiety subsides.)

22. When the band attempts to play someone off. (Penalty: Hey buddy, can I just get one more before you close? Please? Buddy?)

23. When the show runs past 11 pm/ET (Penalty: One sip of flat champagne for every minute of overage).

Woman.ca is not responsible for liquid coming out your nose while laughing, wine stains on the new carpet or complaints from the neighbors.

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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