Teyona's Makeover looks like "Predator" with a Weave

Every cycle, Tyra Banks takes several odd looking, young-but-still-too-old aspiring models and chops, dyes, fries, and weaves them into oblivion. The point of these makeovers, I assume, is to literally groom these girls for a career in fashion. What usually ends up happening, though, is a visual assault against good taste.

Ugh! London's before is bad enough, but now she's the genetic scrapheap of Robyn and Egg Fu's leftover parts. Let me break that down for you:

Similarly bad:



If the concept behind Sandra's makeover was "Hostile elderly lesbian", I guess it's a job well done? She was already there with "hostile", so I guess the passage of time and maybe a few drinks will carry her the rest of the way.

Meanwhile, Natalie? This was not cute:

No tears, but a hell of a lot of whining. Natalie was cringing like they were going to snip off her ladybits. Maybe she doesn't know that hair has no nerve ends? Regardless, they ended up doing nothing to her:

Rewarding bad behavior is not very inspiring, Tyra. It's the Top Model equivalent of letting your crying 6 year old have that damn cookie because their tantrum's giving you a headache and you just want to watch Oprah already.

Tahlia's makeover lends credence to the phrase, "You can't shine a turd":


Seriously, look over the following images and try to disagree with me when I say that Tahlia is this show's most improperly cast girl since Cycle 10's Dominique:

But you know who the worst girl of all is, don't you?


I LOVE that Aminat dubbed this as "questionable, Miss J. Questionable behaviour". But that's because I love everything that Aminat says. I mean, "Bye bitch", "If it's not cute, put it on mute", "Don't throw your two cents if nobody asked your opinion" - these are all quotations of a woman who knows how to sass.

All of this, by the way, was directed at the contentious Sandra. So as rancid as you (okay, I) may find her, she is not completely without merit. Luke had Darth, Sherlock had Moriarty, Aminat has Sandra.

Another thing I love about Aminat that she randomly has the most trying-too-hard hipster glasses you'll ever see outside of a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert:

If anyone can pull off the young black female Elvis Costello look, it's definitely her.

That was certainly a bizarre Cover Girl challenge, though, wasn't it? The girls were instructed to harass innocent women trying to get to work, while screaming about eyeliner:

...then kidnap them to a bizarre mini-Walmart and jab at their eyes with oily, sharpened sticks:

...then a 7 foot tall out-of-drag drag queen wearing a curtain for a scarf and Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame (I think) harshly criticize them for it:

Questionable, Sutan. Questionable behavior.

I haven't even reached the worst part of the episode yet (which, I know, is hard to believe). That dubious honor belongs to blaxican Fo and her REPEATED MELTDOWNS:

No, a loved one hadn't passed away, she's not depressed about the state of our economy, and there is no genital mutilation in her past. Fo is crying about her haircut. Not being a girl or having ever possessed long hair, I'm not exactly the most empathetic person who could be recapping her trauma. But I could see - vaguely - how going from long hair to short hair could elicit some shocked tears. Fine. But Fo took her wah-wahing from the salon to the apartment to the photoshoot to the judging, and it's like, get over it, pixie! You look like a model now!

I mean, save the salt for Allison's eventual psychotic rampage.

Saved the best for last, didn't I? Despite a somewhat lackluster makeover and mininal screentime, Allison is still by far the most enaging of the girls. You know that while Fo is sobbing and Aminat is downing a mojito and Sandra is off somewhere not making friends, Allison is thinking about how pretty used tampons are. Her freakishness is silent but deadly. Hell, she couldn't even keep her inner-weirdo in check for the opening credits:

But I feel unabashed solidarity with her (who doesn't love a good scab, after all?) and look forward to many weeks of her large, dead eyes staring into nothing.

Next week: a Charm School parody! Girl-on-girl... nose... picking? And, uh, spitting. I'm glad Tyra's doing what she can to bring back elegance to network television.

By Andrew Albert